Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Swirling, Swirling - thoughts swirling around my head

I need to take up journaling again. I cannot hash out all the family laundry in public like this with my real name and everything. yeesh. and even the anonymous blog... I'm terrified someone will find out it is me and there will be hell to pay

But the stuff that I CAN discuss:
Dragon - and school - and attachment - and adoptions gone wrong - and try desperately to fix things
and somehow that ties in with Beth Moore and this Bible Study we are doing on Queen Esther - which is absolutely fascinating by the way -
AND FEAR - which in my case is less fear than rage. They say anger is really fear; and I'm not angry so much as just dealing with RAGE. Where does it come from and how to I get rid of it? And oddly - I keep thinking I have "gotten rid of it" I just act on it out of habit. Which is also disturbing, isn't it?

and I need to run upstairs and tell M-Lyons that bedtime doesn't include whatever monolgue she thinks she is entertaining her brothers with. Yes she has her own room (well she shares it with Bitsy) but she hasn't slept in it. She always goes and sleeps with the boys. What to do? So far Tiger is a sweetheart and lets her but sooner or later he is going to put his foot down, hopefully by then Bitsy will be out of the crib and ready to stay in a bed with M-Lyons. Of course, M-Lyons is 4 and doesnt' stay in a bed so why I think Bitsy will is beyond me.

And so I bought "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control" by Heather T Forbes and B. Bryan Post. And we will see if that offers any guidance. And I have applied for Dragon to try a different school - which is interestingly - 40% adoptees. And many of those are international. So perhaps that will take the pressure off the "are you adopted?" situation and maybe even the whole issue with racism against asians that he has been up against at school this year. And of course we've been working through W.I.S.E. Up - which he really likes.

In the meantime, he peed his pants Monday and hid the pants and wore the peed in underwear to bed and then to school today. I smelt him at some point this afternoon. They are stained yellow. So I sent him to shower and change but I DO NOT understand WHY he insists on wearing nasty clothes to school. And he wonders why the kids tease him. And it makes me angry. And so I've got to try to keep my lid on and try to say once again for the millionth time, "please take care of yourself. If you have peed your clothes, bathe and change your clothes." Only I'm supposed to say it calmly. And I'm trying. But I'm tired to death of it.

And all the while wishing to be "real" and have those friendships and feeling like I don't and I'm lonely. Which is silly because I had a lovely talk this afternoon with my good friend Lisa after Bible Study... and told her about taking the kids up to the Richmond Capitol. And her husband is a history buff and really they should go before they move. And talking to her about Dragon and School and "issues" and then Bitsy running about and M-Lyons playing with her daughter.

And I'm thinking I really do want to just put this out there for my blog friends but again, my NAME is on this and my husband has these ridiculous ideas about running for public office in 5 to 10 years and there are other people who stop in and read this who I really don't feel like being honest with... and I really need to change things and get my name off of this. And isn't THAT odd, since when I started, blogging was all about "Social Networking" and branding myself and Arbonne.


Meg said...

Sending you a big big hug! Seriously if you ever need to talk, call me. I mean it. I am the World's Best Listener. Ever.

FoxyMoron said...

Hugs from me too. It's sad that you can't share those things openly on here, but I so understand why.