Wednesday, July 1, 2009

July-

Today is July 1st and I've made it through the day - doctor appointment, brother in law's birthday (all the way out in Colorado! Hi David! Happy Birthday) latest specials with Arbonne.

Five years ago today my cousin Ian decided he couldn't do it any more and he killed himself. I cannot imagine his parents and brothers when they heard the news. Devastating.

I had a chat with a friend Mike earlier this week about loosing someone. How it never really goes away. Life goes on and you roll with it but it sticks with you. Mike's Dad died not long ago. He still is trying to get it through his head that his Dad is gone forever.

July 4th used to be my favorite holiday. The United States of America's Independence Day and my Dad's birthday. Now it is the hardest day of the year to get through. I have to be "normal" and get my kids to the parade. Attend field games afterwards and sometimes a party... and all I want to do is sit down with a drink with family who KNEW him g*ddamnit and tell stories and reminisce and remember him.

July 11th is the anniversary of the day he crashed his airplane into a mountain. That day pretty much sucks too. This year I have the JOY of attending my husband's high school reunion on July 11th and acting "just fine."

The thing is, as Mike and I were talking, if it hasn't happened to someone they really don't get it. I allow myself to be a total emotional wreck two days a year.
TWO. That is it.
Why is that so much to ask?

If you didn't graduate High School without your dad at graduation
if you didn't listen to lecture upon lecture about education and college only to have to pick college by yourself
If you didn't graduate College with your dad watching from the sky

If you didn't get married while two F-15s flew formation over the church when you walked in but your dad wasn't there to walk you down the aisle
If you gave birth to the first grandchild, a beautiful daughter born one day before your dad's mom's birthday and therefore named after her, a child he will never hold, a child who knows your dad through pictures

If you haven't woken up one morning with the empty realization that you don't remember what your dad's voice sounds like
If you haven't spent hours trying to remember his laugh

If you haven't found yourself arguing with a corner in the wall when trying to make a decision you think your dad wouldn't have agreed with
If you haven't wished as you watch your son want to play football that your dad was there to play with his grandson

then don't tell me when it is time to "let it go"
I've tried
I don't know how

5 comments:

Meg said...

There are no words. I love you honey.

Melissa said...

oh i'm so so sorry for your pain. i started tearing up the further into your post i read...makes me thankful for the people i have in my life that i desperately love. i wish i could say something to make you feel better. :(

mummyof5monsters said...

Im so sorry for you *hugs*

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

So sorry to hear about this and has someone really said "let it go?" That is so heartless. You mourn as long as you need to. It is part of the healing process.

FoxyMoron said...

You never really "let it go" you just learn to kind of stitch the grief and loss and longing into the tapestry of your own life. My father has been gone 28 years and I still miss him. My daughter has been gone for nearly 15 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday, sometimes. I too am a mess on two days a year (for my Sarah) and if anyone has a problem with that, it's their problem.
Love that photo of you and your father.