Saturday, August 31, 2013

for my sisters

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August 2013 is my personal emancipation month.
My 3 year probation ends.

I do wish I could ask you Myon and Annice, what did you think would happen?  What did you think they would do?
I wish I could tell you.  (In fact, why don't you put your big girl pants on and have an honest discussion with Tim and then maybe we can talk.  You want me to accept the consequences of my actions; you should do the same.)

The short version:

We had a meeting where they stated what they accused me of.
And then we had a home inspection.
And then they told me I had to go to counseling but that I had to sign a release so the counselor could speak to the social worker.
And they gave me the schedule for yoga classes.

They did not offer counseling to the kids.
They did not make sure there was any kind of support system for the kids during the 6 months following these accusations that I could not function as an adult much less as a parent.
I am not so stupid as to say anything to a counselor who is reporting back to someone else.
They did not help find babysitting so that I could attend said yoga classes.

In a word, nothing. Nothing.  Nothing really happened.

But what I really need you to know, when you tell yourself you did the right thing, what I really need you to know is how isolating that whole thing was.  For me surely.  But the for the kids.  Who are they supposed to talk to about this?  Tiger kept saying "Tia promised nothing bad would happen."  He said it over, and over, and over again.  And Dragon?  I was a parent who was fully committed.  But I cannot be fully committed yet emotionally removed.  And so for three years we have coexisted in the house- but cannot be emotionally involved.  His father is still always gone.  His grandparents find him, and now his 6 year old sister who acts "just like him" according to our mother, to be very challenging and a lot of work.  He is not exactly a teacher favorite.  Or a coach favorite.  So who do you think he is going to turn to?

I ask you, is this better?

At any rate, it is over.  And karma is a bitch.  I hope you and she talk soon.

as Jaron sings:

I havent been to church since I don't remember when 
Things were goin' great ‘til they fell apart again 
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do 
He said you can't go hatin' others who have done wrong to you 
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn 
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them 

I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill 
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to 
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls 
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls 
I pray all your dreams never come true 
Just know whereever you are honey, I pray for you 

I'm really glad I found my way to church 
‘Cause I'm already feelin' better and I thank God for the words 
Yeah I'm goin' take the high road 
And do what the preacher told me to do 
You keep messin' up and I'll keep prayin' for you 

I pray your tire blows out at 110 
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos 

I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill 
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to 
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls 
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls 
I pray all your dreams never come true 
Just know whereever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car, 
wherever you are honey, I pray for you. 
I pray for you

me again:
The funny thing is, I wasn't that angry.  I understood.  But as time went on, I did get angry.

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